I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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