finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
