I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
