the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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