I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
