Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The Olympian is in my bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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