he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
