I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
