Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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