From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
