My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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