who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
