worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
