can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize