where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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