I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize