Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
