So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
