dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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