I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
