sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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