I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Blood and glitter go together right?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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