I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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