Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
