The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
