i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
