my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
