why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize