I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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