I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
