I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize