I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
