let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
