So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
