new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize