True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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