he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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