My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
