During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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