He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
