sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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