My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
