I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
