I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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