Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
