man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize