i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
