I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
