glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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