your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
