It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
