Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize