i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
