oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
