If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
3 2 1 whiskey
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
