My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize