you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Too much gin, very little bucket
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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