I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Randomize
