Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
